I Still Have So Much Crying to do over autism: Moon-Day Musings

crying-eyes

I haven’t cried much lately. And, I am someone who really benefits from a good emotional release through tears. Whether it be inspired by a total girl movie, like “The Notebook” (which incidentally, I refuse to watch anymore), the pain of the world,  or a song, I love it. I honor it. I’m not afraid to let those tears flow. I love crying.

Today is Monday, Moon-Day, Mood-Day in our UnSchooling world. We always talk about the importance of every emotion. And, I’ve been thinking about why I’ve needed a catalyst to cry and why the tears don’t seem to be flowing so much right now. Am I just happier than ever?

I know I’ve shared here that there wasn’t much time to cry when I realized that my son was very ill, and we needed to change our lives to save him and heal him. Looking back, I realize that it wasn’t just about the timing. It was that I couldn’t cry. Yes, part of me didn’t want to get stuck in the sadness, part of me didn’t want to “waste” my time. But part of me was on ‘fix-it” autopilot and was numb to the emotions of it all.

Time did go by, and our boy continued to heal. I went through so many stages with autism. I never felt the need to “label” for the sake of my family or to identify with the label other than for reasons of sharing our story to help others. We don’t use the word in our home. Dougie read it somewhere yesterday and asked what it was. We don’t explain the broadness of our experience through a tiny label that encompasses so many people, feelings, ideas, conditions, opinions and lies.

But, when I hear the word and when I think now about our story I sense that some of my recent opportunities for karma clearing and self healing have to do with crying and letting go of the sadness and pain from the beginning of our journey.

Yesterday I heard 3 women, 3 different women give an almost identical testimonial of the reaction their children had after receiving the MMR vaccine. Their stories happened after my story. Their stories were so similar…. that loud shrilling cry in the middle of the night, the high fever, the diarrhea, seizures, staring into space.

I heard this story before from numerous friends and clients. But it’s hitting me deeper now just how similar these stories are. Yesterday I found myself holding my gut and wiping tears as a woman in a video recalled her journey.   I knew so deeply how she felt.

I looked over at my son who was sitting next to me. Who is experiencing some “growing pains.” Who is the miracle and hero of my life. And, who requires so much of my LOVE,  Patience, Compassion, Attention and sometimes every last ounce of my being. Or what feels like it. I love him so deeply. And I can only understand him as much as one human can get another. I don’t know what it feels like to be him for real. He has come so far out of the fog. But, as he grows we face new challenges together.

I never cared anything about what others would consider a normal life. Unless of course that’s what Dougie wants from me. I only seek to help him thrive in his body, mind and soul. To go where he wants to go in life and to do what he wants to do. And, so it is that this boy is much more than normal. He is extraordinary.

Yesterday, when I wasn’t around, an ignorant person asked him if he could speak. And, when I asked him why he decided not to answer her first question,  he told me that he could tell she would be a problem. And, I just wanted to break down and cry for why someone could look a 10-year-old in the face and ask them with such a demeaning tone if they speak. Because if they don’t speak, by the age of 10 they must have a condition like autism, right? And how could one be so callous?

Dougie does speak. And he has far more intelligent conversations than most adults in my life. Truth. But, I am crying now for the judgement we get for the way he acts around people who truly don’t get him. He shows a different self to much of our family. The other day he told me that he acts a certain way and says certain things to certain people so that they CAN understand him and so that he doesn’t hurt their feelings. Here we have him changing his story and his attitude for someone. He said that he can tell when someone won’t understand him, so he also sometimes doesn’t feel like answering them.

These are all normal things. I’m fully aware that kids go through growing pains and I’m grateful that our issues no longer include smearing poop on the walls. Because some autism parents are still dealing with this. But, what I do see is the challenge to connect all thoughts in his brain and express them fully.  A very frustrating thing that is a result of some of the viruses and metals we are still clearing from him. He has had a few dietary downfalls lately, and things got off balance for him. He’s growing up. He can make his own food. He can try things at other people’s homes. And, he has. So he knows he can think more clearly and express more clearly. And, he is more aware now of the consequences of going off balance. So, even if he is not trapped like before, It still feels like a trap. Because this time he knows what’s going on. He knows that something happened to make things harder for him. And when he’s working on it, I see him being annoyed by the people who judge him.

When I witness these struggles, I want to break down and cry. And, still I have not. Only a few tears come at a time. I want him to not be affected this way by food and environment. I want him to be able to eat a plate-full of potato chip cookies and still be able to do math. And, still be able to say what he really wants to say.

I’ve never witnessed Dougie cry over this. I’ve never heard him cry because he’s misunderstood, locked inside himself, judged or anything like that.  I never thought I would have to. I thought he’d just be recovered and that would be it. But, quite obviously, we have some serious tears that need to come out. And, I’m rooting for this happening soon as this just may be the letting go we need to do to welcome in more healing.

And, maybe we don’t need a catalyst to cry. Maybe we don’t need to cry over vaccine poison or societal judgement or missed opportunities. Maybe we just need to get out the junk that was held in from not crying about all that stuff in the moment they occurred. We are in a new moment now. We have reasons and understanding for the passed pain. Maybe we don’t even need to cry over autism.

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Love and Light, Gina

image credit: http://foodandspiritprofessional.com/crying-best-thing-holiday/

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