What I used to be Grateful For

A old Chinese woman is split in two to wash th...
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I used to be grateful that the parts that hurt would soon be over….that wounds would heal, relationships would mend, I’d finally finish my work, I wouldn’t have to deal with the in-laws for too long, money would come, I’d pay my bills, friends would come back, my parents would one day understand me, I’d be given “a break,” my baby would heal and life would one day just be all fine and normal once I got over the hump. I survived those humps and bumps by mentally leaving my body and living in an only half-waked state.

The other day, I stopped washing dishes because my back hurt so badly that I was nearing tears. First, I thought, “how could pain just creep up on me like that?” But, creeping it did not. I was standing there hunched over the sink in such a mangled and jangled way, for over a half hour without noticing. Where was my mind? How did I not notice?

Well, I’ll tell you where my mind was.  The old brain was on autopilot, while my consciousness took a trip down memory lane, through the halls of time, somewhere over the rainbow and anywhere but in the now. I left my body because I didn’t like what was going on. I really don’t like housework. Who does? But, I’ve learned to leave my body whenever things get painful. You know what this really does? It creates patterns of scars. And it creates a pattern for me to keep doing it.

Whoa, deep stuff, right?

So, now I am grateful that I realized this about myself and that I have been doing this since I was a kid. When we’re talking survival mode, yeah, it’s  awesome to have this ability. I’ve needed it.

Now, I am grateful for NOW. Whatever my now holds is definitely something I want to check out. My body hurts from all this mental neglect, it’s true. And I’m grateful because it reminds me that I have this dreamy ability to travel those halls of time. But, as I put more attention to my physical body, I become connected to that dreamy quality on a higher level. It kinda rocks.

G